i just don't love you no more.
i've been gone for MONTHS. i've had an epiphany, and i've decided to record my life again.
right now, i'm a torn up, broken, stupid piece of shit.
remember the guy in my past entries? well, we kinda became us. and just yesterday, i ended it. it was as simple as this: i just don't love him anymore.
it was a text break up. i'm stupid, i'm weak, i know. wait. no, i don't know.
i was ready for him to hate me. i mean, wasn't that the original plan? i wanted him to hate me, so i wouldn't feel like the scum of the earth. i wanted him to agree with this break up, to let go. so maybe, i wouldn't have to show him the hurt i'm making myself go through and so i wouldn't hurt him. i expected him to take back all of the endearments and emotions to show me that i had a bigger reason to do this, not just the typical i-don't-love-you-anymore, i think-you-lie-to-me, get-over-your-ex passe reason. but he didn't. he didn't, fuck.
instead, he called me up at midnight, crying subtly on the other line. and his first word was, "why?" and was followed by more questions. was there someone else? what did i do? is this serious? can i get you back? i could only answer a few of his questions, while feeling the betrayal of my tears threatening to fall. i found out that he didn't reply, because he chose to drink with a friend, hoping what i said wasn't meant. there were memorable moments during this conversation, and i have NEVER cried as much.
"agi, can i still tell you i love you?" he asked.
i shook my head, though i know he can't see me, my fucking tears running down my cheeks as i responded, "but you can''t expect me to say it back."
he was silent for a long moment. then he decided to use another method: "so, what, you're just going to leave me?" his voice was subtly humorous, as if a dry, sarcastic laugh was about to come up.
"i'm not leaving you, but i am leaving the relationship."
last night, for the first time in a long while, i cried myself to sleep, feeling stupid, yet free.